You’re walking in the North Woods,
there’s no one around, and your phone is dead.
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him…
…Stephen Harper.
He’s following you about 9.144 meters back,
he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint,
he’s gaining on you!
…Stephen Harper!
You’re looking for you car,
but you’re all turned aboot!
He’s almost upon you now,
and you can see there’s blood on his face.
My god, there’s blood everywhere!
Running for your life!
(From Stephen Harper.)
He’s brandishing a knife!
(It’s Stephen Harper!)
Hiding in the shadows,
Conservative PM Stephen Harper!
Living in the woods.
(Stephen Harper)
Killing for sport.
(Stephen Harper)
Eating all the bodies,
actual cannibal Stephen Harper.
Now it’s dark, and you seem to have lost him.
But you’re hopelessly lost yourself.
Stranded.
With a murderer.
You creepy silently through the underbrush.
A-ha! In the distance, a small cabin with a light on!
Hope!
You move stealthily toward it,
BUT YOUR LEG, AHH,
IT’S CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!
Gnawing off your leg.
(Quiet, quiet.)
Limping to the cabin.
(Quiet, quiet.)
Now you’re on the doorstep.
Sitting inside is…
Stephen Harper,
cutting the healthcare budget.
(Stephen Harper.)
But he doesn’t hear you enter.
(Stephen Harper.)
You’re sneaking up behind him,
strangling PM Stephen Harper.
Fighting for your life
(with Stephen Harper)
Wrestling a knife
(from Stephen Harper)
Stab it in his kidney,
Safe at last from Stephen Harper.
You limp into the North Woods,
blood oozing from your stump leg,
But you’ve won. You have beaten
STEPHEN HARPER.
Notes
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OMFG NIGHTMARES FOR LIFE.
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oh my fucking god
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